How are you? Yeah, fine thanks.
Good, good. Tim...
you're fired!
What? Why? Why? Why? He wants to know why!
What's she doing here?
I had to inform HR. This incident report is a disgrace.
I have no idea what you are talking about.
Oh, come on, Tim!
You exposed the identity of someone in the Witness Protection Programme.
No, I did not.
It's gross misconduct.
A sackable of fence.
Read it, Leslie. Please read it.
"TE" - that's you - "negligently broadcast the name of Witness X
"over the tannoy at Ikea while carrying out surveillance.
"When confronted, TE claimed that the error was 'no big whoop'
"and that everyone should just 'chillax'."
"Chillax", Tim?
Sorry, Leslie, can I just, um...?
Look as much as you like, but you cannot refute the allegations.
That's why they call them "allegations".
Mmm, yeah, "TE"...
that's you.
What? "TE" - The Examiner. It's you.
He's getting desperate now. You've signed it at the bottom.
The signature could be anybody's. And written, "This signature couldn't just be anybody's.
"It is definitely mine, The Examiner". Circumstantial hearsay.
And there's a photo of you at Ikea.
It is unacceptable for you to harass my agents like this...
But you're the one...
I'm sorry, but enough... I'm sorry about her, Tim.
She's emotionally unstable.
Uh, Tim, listen - I'd like you to do me a little favour.
The witness is not staying with me.
Oh, come on.
It's just for a week, while we sort out a new identity.
I'm telling you right now,
there is absolutely no way... Ah! There you are.
I want you to meet Tim. He'll be looking after you.
Hi.
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I'm telling you...
I'm telling you she's really good looking!
When can I meet her?
Um, how about never?
Sounds like someone's afraid of the Love Guru!
Yeah, right.
I've got to go. OK, bye.
So you like her?
You're not jealous, are you?
Jealous? Of her? Why would I be jealous? That is ridiculous.
I am literally laughing, that is so ridiculous.
Wow!
He's such a show-off, isn't he?
Lower primates can ride bicycles.
Seems to be impressing some people.
Hey, Marcus! Why don't you show us what you've got?
No, thank you.
Oh. Is someone a chicken? That's "gallus domesticus" to you.
Are you going to put up with that?
Oh! Damn, I was really looking forward to that.
It's OK. We'll see you here later, after school.
Great! Looking forward to it.
I can't wait for you to destroy him.
Is there a problem with my application?
No, I'm just surprised that you want to be a PE teacher.
Sure, why not?
Do you like sports?
No! God, no.
Any physical activity?
Try not to. It's exhausting.
Yes... what about children?
Not a big fan.
Any teaching experience?
None. Never really interested me.
I see. Just remind me again why you want to be a PE teacher?
The same reason everyone else does - the absurdly generous holidays,
easy hours, stealing school property and the chance to hook up
with demoralised drunk teachers and / or hot South American nannies.
Well, I suppose it is only PE. Exactly.
Do you want to start this afternoon? Yeah, cool.
Is that true about the nannies?
Looks like your man has bottled it.
He'll be here.
Where the hell is he?
I'm really sorry, he shouldn't be much longer.
You're very sweet.
Ah.
You OK?
Yes, thank you.
Marcus, I'd like you to meet Elaine.
She's going to be staying with us for a few days.
Enchanted. Can we go now?
Yeah, you want to put your belt on?
I hope that was OK.
It was delicious.
You really can't go wrong with Viennetta.
You want some coffee?
Thanks.
Decaf skinny latte for me, ta.
How much longer are you planning on observing me?
Deciding a child's custody is a duty I take very seriously, Tim.
And mum's hosting bridge night, so...
You live with your parents? Yeah.
Not ideal, particularly if you're bringing back a lady type...
which I usually am.
Plus, mum's incontinent, so not the best aphrodisiac.
Not like your missus!
What, you're married?
Not met Judith?
She's my ex-wife. Oh.
She is knock-out.
I mean you're fine of course, solidly above average,
but that one is something "especial".
Is that so? She's not a nice person.
No. She's sort of savage, isn't she? Untamed.
You just want to...
Thank you!
I'm just going to go check on Marcus.
Maybe you'd like to think about... leaving.
Or charades?
This is easy!
"Look at me, I'm Nick, I can do silly tricks on my bicycle."
Marcus? Are you OK? What are you doing?
Did you want something? Yes, I want you to come downstairs
and say goodnight to Elaine before you go to bed.
You're such a cliche.
Elaine? Hello?
Why don't you come and sit by me?
Where's... Where's Owen?
He had to go.
So... It's just you and me.
It would seem that way.
I want to get to know you much, much better.
OK.
Goodnight.
Hey, Marcus! Are you off to bed?
Obviously.
OK, well, you sleep excellently and I will see you very soon,
in the morning, in fact, around quarter to breakfast.
Goodnight, Elaine.
Marcus.
Do you think he suspected anyth...?
Like what?
I don't know, like...
Can I help you?
Elaine types.
Oh, yeah?
Mmm. She's got lovely, long, slender, delicate fingers.
That's nice for her.
Elaine's right-handed.
Is she now?
She said the funniest thing this morning.
Something about... what was it?
Something about Marmite...
Oh.
No, it wasn't, it was... what was it? Oh... uh...
Absolutely hilarious.
Classic Elaine!
That's quite a story.
Isn't it great that we've both found someone?
Yeah.
You know what, I've got it!
The four of us should go and have lunch.
Oh, I don't think that's... Portis!
The four of us. Next week. Lunch?
Yeah, sure. Sounds fun.
Settled then. Yay!
You're going to love Elaine. She is so sweet and kind.
I was just saying...
Can I help you?
Who are you?
You must be Judith.
Do I know you?
No, but I've heard a lot about you. I'm Elaine.
Are you a friend of Tim's?
A friend? Yes, I guess you could say that.
Would you like to come in? I'm making breakfast.
No, I was just dropping off my old bicycle helmet for Marcus.
Oh, he's such a sweet, delightful boy!
We've been getting on brilliantly.
He actually called me "Mummy" the other day.
But I'm his mother.
Of course you are. Well, I guess we both are.
I must go. Make sure he gets that.
He'll get it, all right.
Oh, here it is.
Are you nearly ready?
Tim's going in late today.
What? I haven't finished with him yet!
You are so naughty!
Tim, you said you'd take me. We've got hockey practice this morning.
Look at him!
Yeah... Why?
With his silly outfit.
It is a silly outfit, isn't it?
"My name's Chris.
"I'm 30, but I like playing games wiv ickle childwen."
That's actually quite a funny voice!
And as for you... Yeah! What can we say about him?
He's a bit fat!
Fatty!
And he lives with his incontinent mother.
Yes! That is hilarious and factually accurate, so double sussed!
Why do they have to be so cruel? Are you going to take me or not?
Not.
I'll take you. I don't want to stay here a minute longer.
Plus I've got to get mum more Imodium.
Who's my big boy!
I am. Yes, you are, who's my big boy?!
Hey.
Oh, hi.
Haven't seen you for a while.
No, sorry. I've had a lot going on at home recently.
How is... Elaine?
She's... she's good, yeah. Yeah? Good.
How have you been? Me?
Good. Very, very good actually. Yeah?
Yeah, I'm having a very good time at the moment.
Things are going really well, you know.
Loving my job, great social life and...
really supportive friends.
Oh, that's good. Yeah, it is,
and I'm in a good place right now, taking a bit of me time.
Yeah... I'm pleased. Yeah.
I should probably...
Yes, sure. It's all yours. OK.
And um...
Really great to see you again.
You too.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, you've forgotten your um...
What is this?
Excuse me?
Which of these has the greatest distance
between the ground contact point and the steering axis?
What? I am looking for something with a low torque ratio
but a high centre of mass for increased stability.
That one there.
This one here?
Yep. This bicycle has all the properties I asked for?
Yeah. I'm impressed by your knowledge of the merchandise.
Now, I would like to take out fully comprehensive cover.
Can you arrange that? No problem.
It doesn't work.
I think I might have just the thing for you.
Thank you for coming. Can I get you something?
No, nothing. Thank you.
I know you and I haven't always got on. No.
I've always thought of you as a satanic demon who ripped out
Tim's heart and crushed his soul.
And I think of you as a supercilious,
manipulative drain on society,
whose arrogance is matched only by his appalling dress sense.
Right. Well, I think we can both agree
we've got a real problem on our hands with Elaine.
Yes.
We used to be so close.
I know. You've met Tim's boss before?
Briefly. Good to see you.
You know he used to make me feel...
what's the word I'm looking for?
Superior?
Yes! Good about myself.
Exactly.
And now she has stolen him away from us and given him this...
Don't say it.
Self-esteem. Oh, God, no!
It's OK. Let it out.
The point is, what can we do about it?
What do we even know about her?
Well, I've heard, on the grapevine of course,
that she used to be in the Witness Protection Programme.
Apparently she snitched on this organised crime syndicate.
I'm starting to feel sorry for her now. Don't be.
No, no, no, my understanding is that she is the most violent of them all.
I have a plan that I think might work.
OK. Let's get on it. We don't have a moment to lose.
Absolutely.
We're gonna have lunch first?
Oh, yeah. I'm starving. The club sandwich is good.
I'm trying to keep off wheat. I thought you were looking thinner.
Yes. Can we have the wine list, please?
So what part of Columbia are you from?
Barranquilla. It sounds magical. Why did you leave?
I didn't want to be a drug mule no more.
I love animals. You are funny.
You must really love the children.
I guess I do. Sir? Not now!
I mean, what is it, you little scamp?
Mr Goddard hasn't turned up for hockey practice.
OK. So, Barranquilla...
No, but sir,
we've got a match against St Joseph's this afternoon.
We really need the practice.
Perhaps I could watch you play?
So, what's it like, working with this hunk? Stop it.
I will not! Isn't he wonderful?
Yes, he is. Yes, you are!
Don't you just want to eat this lovely face?
Maybe not as a starter, eh?
Oh... am I embarrassing you in front of your friends?
Well...
Silly squirrel! We just have this amazing connection, you know?
Oh, yes, it's like me and him.
What are you...? Oh, right.
Our relationship is getting very serious again.
It is?
Oh, shush you! Women are allowed to be mysterious.
That's what makes us so endlessly fascinating.
Isn't that right, sweetie?
Yeah, sure.
So, how serious is serious?
Well, let's just say we are thinking about making the big leap.
Did you hear that, baby? Yes.
At this rate, they're going to beat us down the aisle!
Yeah.
Wait, what?
Oh, come on, it's not like we haven't talked about it. Kind of is.
But I thought you were out of here once you got the new identity.
Well, that's before I met my guy, or should I say my spy?
Order for me sweetie,
I'm going for a poo.
She seems nice.
She's odd, isn't she?
Dude, she is certifiable! Yeah.
Tim, you have to get rid of her. I see that now.
Is it rude if we leave before she comes back?
I don't think so. No way.
I think it's down there.
You could've told me where we were going - I would've changed.
Why are you dressed like that anyway?
You only wear that when you're trying to flirt.
I don't know what you mean.
Can I help you with something?
We're looking for Keith.
Keith don't know no-one. What terrible grammar.
We were told he worked here.
Yeah, well, you was told wrong, Xanadu.
We have information about Elaine Whiting. We know where she is,
and we really don't care where she goes.
Ow!
Surprise! Oh, did I frighten you?
A little bit.
Good, because I'm a teeny-weeny bit cross with you.
Oh, really?
Yes. You left me all alone in that horrid restaurant.
Did I? Oh! Silly me.
I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached.
Well, you better not do that when we're married,
or it might not be attached for very much longer!
OK? OK!
Hey, while we're on the whole marriage thing...
um, looking forward to it immensely, obviously.
Um, we have only known each other a week.
And?
Do you not think that maybe we should wait a little while,
just to be absolutely sure that we are perfectly suited
and that one of us isn't...?
I don't know... a psychopath?
It almost sounds as if you don't want to get married.
Are you kidding?
I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
I'm just going to pop out and get some air, all right?
OK... Yeah.
OK, here I go...
You told them I was here. What? Who are they?
Dead men - and so are you!
OK, look... this...
We can... guys?
Maybe just think about honeymoons and...
Hawaii... and nice things like that.
You know, I'm thinking nice sort of...
OK... guys?!
Guys?!
Look!
Get on!
Go!
That's for hockey practice, bitch!
Thanks.
Are you OK? Yes, thank you.
Aw! What's that for?
I just wanted to say sorry for acting like a knob.
You didn't. I did.
You did a bit.
Thank you.
I think I just enjoyed having a girlfriend, you know?
Yeah.
Man, what is up with my teeth today?
Mm! Urgh...
Alrighty, well, that was all.
Oh, by the way, what happened to Elaine?
Don't know, actually. The boss said he was sorting it out.
Ooh!
Is that a gun or are you just pleased to see me?
It's a gun.
Grrrr!
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